Shelob the Spider: The first feminist?
Have you ever wondered where feminism really came from? Read on to find out!
Feminism, as I’m sure you already know, is an inherently evil ideology for reasons that have been discussed a zillion times. So I will not go into all of that here once again. Instead, I want to ask and answer a question: Where did feminism come from?
Now, you have probably read lots of ridiculous “histories” and other books purporting to explain the origin of feminism. But I can tell you right now, it’s all a bunch of crap. Instead, I believe we should explore the world of Middle Earth because I believe it holds the answer to the question of feminism’s origin.
Shelob, as you might know if you’ve read the Lord of the Rings books, was a giant spider that tried to eat Sam and Frodo as they passed through her lair on their way to destroy the ring. She was a cunning foe, and a horrible one. She took Frodo out (though she only poisoned him so she could consume him later) and she damned near took out Sam too. Only Shelob’s arrogance saved Sam as she tried to sit on him to kill him, and instead got a big prick inside of her from Sting, Sam’s sword.
But how, you might be wondering, is Shelob a feminist? Well, consider Shelob’s personal qualities. They clearly mark her as a feminist:
Like most feminists, she was immensely fat (after drinking the blood of so many orcs, elves, and men). She lived to consume, and wanted to smother all life in Middle Earth by eating every living thing she could find, much like today’s feminists gorge themselves on twinkies, ring-dings and cupcakes until they end up on Weight Watcher’s “Ten Most Wanted” list.
She smelled horrifically bad. I mean, she and her lair WREAKED like nothing else in Middle Earth. Not even the dwarves smelled as bad after a day of banging on their anvils while standing in front of hot fires. Overpowering body stench is the hallmark of a true feminist.
She poisoned all of her victims, just as feminists poison the societies they live in.
She had it in for men, male elves, male dwarves, male orcs, and anything else male that she could find, kill and eat. If it had a pair of balls swinging between its legs, Shelob hated it and wanted it dead, just like today’s feminists.
She had fangs, claws and a nasty stinger; her physical resemblance to today’s feminists clearly shows they are her descendants.
Shelob was utterly oblivious to reason and logic, her emotions completely controlled her at all times, and under all circumstances. Sound familiar?
So, as you can see from above, one could make the argument that Shelob was, indeed, the first feminist and that all the damage done by feminism to Western societies actually came from a giant spider who lived in the mountains at the edge of Mordor.
But where did Shelob come from? She didn’t just spring up out of the dust, my friends, oh no, she had a mom. You see, Shelob was the last child of Ungoliant!
Ungoliant, as you know if you have read the Silmarillion, was a primordial spider that lived in the elder days in Middle Earth. It was she who gave birth to Shelob, and it was she who was the true origin of feminism. Think of the size of Shelob and then magnify it many times, and you have Ungoliant, the mother of all spiders. Think also of all the unpleasant things about Shelob (the stink, the fangs, the claws, the complete lack of logic and reason, etc.) and magnify those many times, and you have Ungoliant.
So Shelob actually wasn’t the first feminist, but she did get her desire to swallow all life from her feminist mom. Ungoliant, along with her soy boy orbiter Morgoth, actually destroyed the Two Trees of Valinor, Telperion and Laurelin. After destroying the trees and plunging the world into darkness, Ungoliant swelled up like a gigantic tick that had sucked up too much blood, but even that much food wasn’t enough for her! She still wanted to eat the Silmarils. Like all feminists, Ungoliant simply couldn’t stop eating and just kept getting fatter and fatter!
If you’ve read this far, then it’s all starting to make sense, isn’t it? Feminism comes directly from a giant, evil, bloated spider that wanted to eat the entire world while destroying all light and life. 😉
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It's really a shame that the writers of the Rings of Power never seem to have read the Silmarillion because it is so dang full of girl power.
I thought, “no way this will be worth reading,” and then I knew you had nailed it and made me agree immediately with just the first sentence of reason #1:
> “Like most feminists, she was immensely fat”
Nailed it. I'm impressed, laughed, and agreed with everything.