Tales from the road: Dog attacks and delivery drivers
Tales from the road: Dog attacks and delivery drivers
It's not all milk bones and roses when it comes to canines and drivers!
Before I get into this article, I want you to know that I am not a dog hater. Quite the contrary, I love dogs. However, as a delivery driver, I have had to face an unpleasant and sometimes dangerous reality: There are a lot of stupid and irresponsible dog owners out there in the world.
I have been doing deliveries for more than a year now, and when I first started out, I was naive and foolish. I took no precautions when dealing with dogs and simply thought I could step out of my vehicle whenever I needed to, and nothing bad would happen. WRONG! The first time I was attacked by a dog proved to be an eye-opener, to say the least!
The 1st dog attack: Saved by a child’s bike
I drove up to a driveway and found there were cars in the driveway, so I could not park close to the house. I didn’t think this mattered much, so I grabbed the package and started to get out of my vehicle. Then I saw the dog. It was looking at me from behind a screen door. “No problem, he’s inside the house,” I stupidly thought to myself as I walked up the driveway.
I reached the side of a pickup truck that had a small child’s bike next to it. That bike proved to be a lifesaver to me because, just as I reached the truck, the dog pushed the screen door out and came toward me! He was big, hairy and angry! He came charging in, and I could do nothing except pick up the kid’s bike in one hand while wielding the package with my other hand!
The pickup truck proved to be very helpful. The dog tried to circle me to come in for a bite, but I wheeled around and blocked him with the bike and the package. As this is happening, I am yelling at the top of my lungs for whoever is in the house to come out and get the dog before he bites me.
Finally, the homeowner retard hears me and comes out. The fool actually reaches for the package that is in my hand, and I tell him to get the damn dog away from me first! I’m relieved the idiot is there, but then I learn another lesson about dogs and dog owners: Few dog owners have any control over their dogs!
I yelled at him to get the dog, and he tried to call it over, but the dog just ignored him. So he tries to grab the dog, and the dog circles around him, trying to get back to me to come in for a bite. The homeowner finally gets a hold of the dog and drags it back into the house. I thank him (yes, I have to be polite even though the dog owner is a fool), and I hand him the package and walk back to my car.
The 2nd dog attack: Beware of huge lawns and barns
The second time I was attacked by a dog, it completely took me by surprise. I pulled into the driveway of a large house, with a barn on the side of it. A wide lawn separated the driveway from the house. It was that lawn I had to cross to bring the package to an old woman sitting on the porch. Remember that lawn because it’s about to feel like it was 5 miles long!
I check for dogs before I leave my vehicle. There are no sounds or other signs of dogs. I get out of my vehicle and begin walking across the lawn. I get about halfway across to the house, and suddenly an explosion of barking comes from my left from inside the barn. I cursed myself for thinking it was empty, but I could not see inside the dark, open doorway when I pulled into the driveway!
I wheel around to the left and see a large brown dog (terrier, pit bull, I don’t know what it was) coming straight at me! I yell “stop!” and then “get back, get back!” as this dog is coming in for a bite, and I shove the ridiculously small package at the dog. The sight of it freaked the dog out, and it wheeled around me in a circle.
I am now yelling to the woman on the porch, “Get your dog, ma'am, get your dog, please!” She calls for the dog, and the dog does not want to come to her. But they must have had some arrangement, because eventually the dog submitted to her command and went over to the porch.
The old woman walked over to me and said in exasperation, “She’s such a bitch! That’s not my dog, it’s my daughter’s.” As she said, I was relieved, and I managed to laugh. I handed her the package and got in my vehicle to leave.
The 3rd dog attack: Fangs in the dark!
The third time was a night delivery, and I got very lucky with this one. Night deliveries are much more dangerous for drivers than daytime deliveries. Being on the road itself is more dangerous, and going down rural back roads is worse as there are no lights there except your headlights. It is also harder to see in yards unless you have a flashlight (which I did not, and you will see why in a moment that was stupid on my part).
I pulled up to the house, and I heard two men in the driveway. It was very dark and hard to see, and my headlights were shining past the house as it was on my left. I did not hear or see anything related to dogs, but I was about to get more than I bargained for! As I got out of my vehicle and retrieved the package, a sudden burst of barking exploded right in front of me, and I saw a medium-sized dog right in front of me! It had come out of the dark, and I’d had no idea it was there.
I held the package in front of me and told the dog to get back! Why do I say “get back!” when dogs have no idea what that means? Well, when you have a dog come out of the darkness, you just say stupid shit like that, as that’s what pops into your head! 😂
The dog sort of backed off, then I heard one of the men call him and then say, “Don’t kick my dog in the face like that!” and I replied, “Sir, I did not kick your dog in the face, I just waved the package at him!” Yes, one of the idiots that lived there thought I had kicked his dog!
And then it happened—something that chilled me to the bone. As I stood there, I felt two paws on the back of my shoulders! A dog had come up behind me in the dark! I thought to myself, “Well, you are fucked now, aren’t you? Damn fool, you are about to get bit in the neck!” Panicking, I turned around to see a Labrador Retriever right behind me! He was not growling or barking at me, and I realized he just wanted to play. Talk about lucking out!
I handed the two men their package, and the second man actually told the other one to shut up, as he knew I had not kicked the dog.
A word of warning: While the lab in this situation did not attack me, I have run into others who were the opposite. Labs can be vicious, and they should always be taken seriously. Take great care not to assume they are friendly, watch their body language carefully.
The 4th dog attack: I shall give it a name and I shall call it Sting!
The fourth attack also took me by surprise, but this time I was ready. I pulled up to a very long driveway, with the house at the far end of it. But the driveway was blocked by the homeowner. I could not go down it to take my car closer to the house.
I got out of my vehicle and got the package. I then reached for a new tool that I had recently purchased in case I ran into another dog problem. My tool is a 22-inch stun baton. It has sharp metal teeth on the end, a hardened aluminum body, and a nasty stun. Being a fan of Bilbo Baggins, I said the following to myself when I bought it: “I shall give it a name, and I shall call it Sting!”
With Sting in one hand, and the package in the other, I went down the driveway, cutting across the lawn to the front porch. I placed the package, turned around, and headed back to my vehicle. Halfway there, an explosion of barking erupted behind me! I wheeled around with my finger on Sting’s stun button! A brown pit bull had come from behind the house and was rocketing toward me!
I yelled, “STOP! GET BACK! STOP!” and slammed my finger down on Sting’s stun button! Lightning erupted from the end of Sting, along with a very loud ZZZZZZTTTTTT! noise! The sight of the lightning effect and the sound broke the pit bull’s charge, and he wheeled around me in a circle! I followed his every movement with Sting, pushing the button on and off to keep him off balance!
By now, the retard homeowner had heard the barking and my yelling and had called the dog back to the house. Relieved, I lowered Sting but kept my finger on the stun button as I walked back to my car. Sting had proven its worth! It had stopped a nasty dog attack in its tracks, and I didn’t even have to stun the dog!
Sting’s sound and the reactions of animals
I wondered why the sound of Sting’s stun affected the dog that way. Later, I found an article that said that the theory is that dogs hear a loud, high-pitched noise that we cannot hear. So the ZZZZZZTTTTT!! electrical noise discombobulates the dog, as well as the sight of the lightning coming out the end of Sting.
Incidentally, I have tested Sting’s noise on wild turkeys, ducks, squirrels, chickens and other critters. None of them like the ZZZZZZZZT!!! noise and will flee when they hear it. Once it stops, they return to normal, but when it is on, they will seek to quickly escape.
The undisclosed tool that I did not use
As you can tell, Sting is a handy tool. You might think I was a reckless fool to do deliveries with nothing to protect me from dog attacks. But that was not so in any of the dog attacks I discussed above. Each time I was attacked, I had a tool in my pocket that I will not disclose here.
Why didn’t I use the undisclosed tool to stop the dog attacks? I did not use it because it is a lethal tool and I would have had to kill each of those dogs (not to mention using it in a situation in the dark was out of the question for obvious human safety reasons). Yes, I could have killed any of those dogs at any time, and I would have done so if I believed my life was truly at risk and that I might die. But I held off taking it out, and I’m glad I did. I made use of what I had at the time, so I did not have to kill those dogs.
After those situations, I realized I needed a non-lethal tool as a first layer of personal security while doing deliveries. So I bought Sting and, to my surprise, I also got a free can of pepper spray with it! So my first two layers of security are Sting and pepper spray.
A driver’s secret weapon: Milk Bones!
Yet even with Sting, pepper spray and the undisclosed tool, I felt that my armament was missing something. Then I realized that I needed something that wasn’t negative, and that could play into the greedy instincts of most dogs.
MILK BONES!
I bought a big box of them and keep it in my vehicle. When doing deliveries, I keep a pocket full of milk bones on me. I have found that most dogs cannot resist having a milk bone or two tossed toward them. However, I must caution anyone reading this that there are dogs who will skip the milk bones if they are truly intent on attacking you. So take care, and do not depend on milk bones alone to save you.
As stupid as some dog owners are, I have run into some good ones. And I always reward the good dogs with a milk bone. One of the sweetest dogs I have encountered was an old beagle who only had three legs. He was hopping along with his owner while out on a walk. I had just delivered to that apartment building, but when I saw that beagle, I knew he had to have some milk bones. So I gave his owner three and told the beagle he was a sweetheart and to enjoy his treats.
Yes, even the undead have a heart, dear readers! 🥰
Morgthorak the Undead: Disarmed and done in by a satanic ankle-biter!
Now, I will tell you one last tale in two parts, and the entire affair was my fault. I was very lucky it did not end with me getting seriously injured, as you will see in a moment. I was out on a rural route, very far out into the countryside.
I pulled up to the house and noticed an ankle-biter walking in the yard. BEWARE OF ANKLE BITERS! There are only two kinds of ankle-biters, the sweet ones and the satanic evil ones! Yes, some of these dogs serve Lucifer! Tiny though they are, they are filled with malice! You can see it in their eyes!
Arrogant fool that I was on that day, I dismissed the ankle-biter. It was no threat to me, and I had a large box I had to place on the porch. Never have I made a worse judgment! Fool! I should have known the little shit would betray me!
On that day, the undisclosed tool was in my bag in the car. I had forgotten the pepper spray on my dresser at home, and because it was just an ankle-biter, I left Sting in the car! I COMPLETELY DISARMED MYSELF IN A RURAL DELIVERY!
As I stepped out of the car and walked toward the house, the satanic ankle-biter began barking like mad. I smiled at her and rolled my eyes. Bark all you want, you nasty little thing! You are too small to hurt me! HA HA HA!
I put the package down and was going to walk back to my car. Two large dogs, one brown and one black, came bounding around the side of the house right at me! The treacherous midget dog had called for reinforcements! I was trapped!
At the time, I had no milk bones either, I had not yet started carrying them! All I had was a wheelbarrow that was next to the house! I got behind it, and the dogs began to try to come in for a bite. I pushed it at one, then the other, and began yelling for the homeowners to come out and get the dogs. The dogs weren’t giving up, the wheelbarrow intimidated them enough to get them to back off, but there were two of them and one wheelbarrow!
I backed myself up against the house and just kept yelling my head off. Finally, a young woman comes from behind the house. She manages to get one of the dogs and hold him, then a man’s voice calls the other one to the back of the house. Seeing my opportunity, I thank the young woman and wave as I run toward my vehicle. I hop in and make my escape, berating myself for underestimating the satanic ankle-biter from hell! A true servant of Lucifer!
Now, you might be thinking that this is the end of the story, right? Oh no, my friends. You see, there was one last package I had to deliver. This time it was at a house in the suburbs. After the last situation, I peered carefully when I pulled into the driveway and saw that there were no dogs about and no sign of them.
Stupidly, idiotically, I get out of my vehicle and get the package. I look at Sting, and I think, “I don’t need it, it’s only about 15 feet to the house.” Idiot!!! After the last situation, you’d think I would have known better. 🙄
I start walking to the house, and I’m about five feet away from the porch when a basset hound-type dog comes walking toward me (it had big ears). This dog isn’t as crazy as the other ones, but it’s making a straight line toward me, and I’m not taking any chances. Shit! What should I do? I race to the porch, and there is a small couch there. By now, the basset hound is approaching the porch.
I maneuver the couch, so I am behind it, and there is only a narrow way for the basset hound to get onto the porch. He falls for my ruse, and I move the couch around to block him while I make my escape! I race across the lawn, get into my vehicle, and zoom on out of there! Success! I have survived a basset hound dog attack, licking of my hand, or whatever he had planned! 😂
Remember this, my friends: It’s ALWAYS the last package that gets you! Always!
Final thoughts on dogs and delivery drivers
I hope you found some of my adventures with dogs amusing, but I will also leave you with some more serious thoughts.
If you have packages coming, please keep your dogs inside the house.
Never leave dogs outside unattended if you expect a driver.
Many drivers are attacked by dogs and suffer severe injuries.
Some drivers have been killed by dogs.
Remember that we are only there to deliver your package and leave. We ask for nothing more than a safe, clear passage to your front door so we can do our job and leave. Please make sure we have it and keep your canines safe indoors.
Since I experienced all of these situations, I no longer get out of my vehicle if there are dogs loose at someone’s home. I will, if necessary, dump the package out of my window onto a driveway, in front of a mailbox, or wherever I can dump it. I do not risk myself with dogs if I can help it. Yes, I have Sting and my other tools, but no trip to the hospital is worth delivering a package, and a trip to the morgue is completely out of the question.
So now you know a little bit of what I do when I am not writing here on Substack. Don’t worry too much about me, these days I do not go near a house without Sting, my pepper spray, milk bones, and the undisclosed tool that I pray I never have to use. The dog that is stupid enough to attack the undead will pay a high price, I assure you! Especially if it is one of those little demonic ankle-biters! 😉
For those of you who are wondering how you can get a tool like Sting, I am sorry to say that the model has been discontinued. However, there is one place that still seems to have some, so go here if you wish to buy one.
If you would like something similar but without the metal teeth on the end, you can get it from the Home Security Super Store. They also have loads of other self-defense tools. I bought Sting from them, and I highly recommend them, they have great customer service.
Safe travels to all of you, my dear friends. May Christ protect you all. 🙏🏻
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Re-reading this, Morgthorak, and although you appear well-protected, I wanted to offer this: my brother had a paper route in the early 60's, and had occasional trouble with dogs (probably always the same ones?). He was a target, riding his bike. My father recommended that he carry a squirt-gun filled with ammonia, and direct this at the dog's eyes. And just in case you dog-lovers out there get upset by this I will state: if your dog is vicious--that's your fault and it's also your responsibility to keep him from attacking people. If he does so attack, he deserves whatever he gets.
Great essay! I like that you changed things up a bit and shared some of your other life experiences with us. I used to take insurance policy pictures for State Farm, I never got attacked by a dog, thankfully. It was always a little nerve wracking showing up at a person’s house on a cold call. I respect your dogged, pardon the pun, professionalism. It would be tough to remain polite and professional in such circumstances.